Lessons from a daughter to a mother

There's this funny intergenerational gap between my mother and I that i never built a bridge across, If I could I'd say what my daughter tells me everyday, Mommy I love you. Mommy I'm you're princess forever and ever and ever.. And don't you forget it!
Mommy I was put on this earth for you to mold, so don't be upset when I go my own way;. It's how you raised me, independent, strong willed, curious & unafraid.
Of course my daughter is only 2 years old, so of all these things all she really says is how much she loves me all day. She reminds me that is is a princess and therefore I am a queen, so I am reminded to act as such. I am reminded that while I love her & this family that her father and I have created, I need to remember to love myself so I can love her. So I can show her how to love herself and most importantly that it IS okay for her to love herself. Above all else this is the lesson I wish I had learned from my mother. My beauty was not hers. My ideas and goals were not hers. And at times I was made to feel like I was not hers. An alien observing the rituals of a primitive species. She wanted me to grow up to embody the American Dream of a house, husband, kids, dog & picket fence. Instead I strayed and now I am at a crossroads alone because all my life I just tried to make someone else happy. Make someone else's life complete. All the while keeping myself on the back burner. And so here comes my late 20's, and Saturn's influence and years of inner conflict and baby after baby, and marriage, and depression. And finally rock bottom. Rediscovery. Self love, self-acceptance, truth. But it all comes with a price. The question I hear my mother ask now is am I willing to pay it?

light

I look down at my daughter, who is amusing herself in the wonderment of my belt buckle. In her rocking chair all she wants to do is get out. To escape the ties that bind her. I look at her darling little face stare up at me with hope, hunger and light. Yet i look in the mirror and see none of it. What i do see i loathe. There is no love, no feeling, just desolation and hopelessness. and endless tunnel of nothing, leading to a heart that's gone cold. And i don't know where it began or how or when. all i know is that these days the only time i see myself is in the bathroom mirror, and i can't even stand to look myself in the eyes. all it brings is tears. sadness that seems to have hijacked my whole being. But then i look in my daughters eyes and her light fills me, and it's not so bad anymore.

Insomnia

So after two months of round the clock feedings and diaper changes, my new daughter Niya is finally sleeping thru the night. i should be happy, I should be sleeping.. but I'm not. The problem with having an infant sleep thru the night for the very first time is that my internal clock is now so off kilter that I can not sleep. No matter how hard I try. After I put my toddler down for the night, I am left tossing and turning through endless hours of silence until my mind stops racing and i finally collapse from exhaustion. Needless to say that is always the precise moment that Niya decides to wake up because she needs a diaper change or is hungry or simply misses the warmth of her mommy.
So what does one do with free time? I cruise Facebook till its no longer appropriate... I play online games, sometimes I write or do some yoga. I notice I usually end up munching and channel surfing. Not a good way to get these extra pounds off... Hopefully I'll get back to sleep soon.

The Waiting Game...

So now I wait. I've made it to the finish line. I am officially 40 weeks this week. My baby girl is due Thursday. Since last week I've been experiencing Braxton Hicks contractions. I grow less and less anxious everyday that I've almost convinced myself that I may never have this baby. Though I know that is not an actual possibility because one way or another, she's gotta come out... I'm just finding less and less ways to deal with the discomfort and restlessness of being so pregnant. What's worse is the need to always be close to a bathroom. It makes me wanna run out and buy some depends. I seem to not be able to take trips that are longer than 35 mins long without almost peeing on myself. Several times this week I have boarded the train, only to get off half way to my destination in search of a bathroom. It makes it nearly impossible to be on time to any appointment I have anywhere... I guess I'm just tired of waiting.. Although I will miss the quiet once she is here...

Umemployment frustration...

More than anything in the world I absolutely hate idleness... I have never been the type of person who could allow myself to be complacent with their lot in life. Since childhood I have always strived to do my best at anything I try my hand at, to always put forth all my effort to improve whatever situation I found myself in. For the last year I have been unemployed for 8 out of 12 months. Which is really not my style. Not okay in my book. It has at time almost driven me to the edge of reason. I never really gave up looking for employment but I did allow my ambition to slow to a crawl. Constantly walking into interviews that I was qualified or even over qualified for, I was able to know within minutes weather or not I would be seriously considered for employment. And though in my heart I stayed positive, ignoring the confused looks of interviewers; in my head I knew that no matter how well I presented myself or how great my resume & references are, i would not be getting an invitation for employment.
And now in my last week of pregnancy, I am once again confronted with the hard truth of not only my family's financial situation but also of this city's economic situation. The fact remains that in this economic downturn, the job market is tight and employers are extra picky. But my hope is that they'll now see my determination and pick me.

10 days to go

It's amazing to me how fast time really flies, even when you're not having fun. These last 9 months have been an absolute roller coaster. I'm still finding it hard to believe that in a couple days my baby girl will be a member of the world. it feels like just yesterday that I was debating with myself about what to do with this little one... Thank god the morning sickness is over and done, although I could have sworn it would last forever.
I sit here at night stroking my belly, in an attempt to coax her out into the world. She's smart though, steadily enjoying the warmth and security of the womb. Secretly I think she is scared of her big brother... Even though they sometimes seem to be playing with one another. I know he knows she's in there but I don't know how he will react once she is out. I'm sure that he has yet to adjust to the fact that he will be a big brother soon. I know he is aware that there is a baby in my belly, but his young mind has yet to make the connection that in a few days he'll no longer be the baby. It's probably why the tantrums have increased to gigantic proportions. The next step now is learning to manage it all... balance out the time and attention between them and myself, so neither one feels neglected and I don't go crazy...

Crochet

* This piece isn't new but it was inspired by my son and as I now approach the final days of this pregnancy, I am once again reminded what an inspiration my children are to me.



it no longer bugs me when guys call me mami,
cause in a short while it's what i will be...
on the train the old woman asks me what i'm knitting
i tell her it's crochet,
as if the words never crossed her hearing aid,
she continues with whatever she wants to say
about how she could never get the jist of it,
and so nice to see young people do some shit like this, and then asks again what am i making
i'm making history
a gift for my unborn child i reply,
don't really know what it is but i expect it to take it's own shape as with everything else in my life..
so now finishing it almost two months later, i wonder
will he still love it when he's older?
and how long will it be before he can't use it anymore?
perhaps when he's too big for a crib and needs a big boy bed
will he still have it in his closet when girls fill his head?
and when he goes away to college, will he take it with him?
or will it be left behind with me?
and then i come back to reality,
not knowing what the sex will be,
perhaps i've mistaken her identity and
chose the wrong color...
in which case i'll have to begin another,
this one a cotton-candy pink, with a spinkle border,
if i begin now it'll be ready in time to recieve my daughter.
i'll wrap her in it every night until i can no longer hold her...
and maybe even teach her how to crochet one on her own once she's older.
so that years from now when she's grown, married and gone
she can make something for her child too ..
a special piece that cannot be duplicated just like them,
letting them know how special i think he or she is...